Friday, January 07, 2005

vestiges of insecurity

Why is it that in the beginning of a new thing you are full of confidence that you swill in it, and once you are in what you perceive to be a comfort zone you suddenly are engulfed in a mass of insecurity you can't breathe?

I have always thought myself to be comfortable with everything, and being able to adapt easily to change. Unfortunately, nowadays i see myself a quivering mass of nerves, tagged along with the green-eyed monsters and some shadow of insecurity i can't seem to shake off. *sigh*

Why, do you ask? Again, i do not know. Perhaps it's the odd sensation of adjusting to life in the new year. Perhaps it's the fact that i can't seem to get myself together these days because i'm too worried about my future. Perhaps it's the fact that i am scared shitless of change, especially in my life.

I know that in the next couple of months, my life will drastically change because of certain decisions i will make on my career, my future. Where this will lead, i don't know. The fact that i don't know scares the shit out of me, and it doesn't help that try aas i might to make plans, i am not confident enough to handle it, let alone plan it.

+ + +

Yesterday was the exhibit of my roomie's dad at Megamall. We decided to check it out. It was a pretty amazing event, with Yuma's dad being so gracious by explaining to us the concept behind it and all. The Paradox of the box, which was pretty much the idea, was an idea which hit pretty close to home for me.

Everything is on a flat plane and it's up to you to make use of it, and/or get out of it. Sadly, when you get out of one, you get into another, one more box that is perceived by someone else.

I feel i am currently trying to get out of my own box and inadvertedly getting into another. By trying to "liberate" myself from my own box of limitations (set by myself), i get into another, set by either my folks, or people who know me.I feel like i'm in a tight schedule for decision making nowadays, planning my future before my expiration date of two months. I want to take my time, but i feel compelled to decide as soon as possible, lest i become useless... I feel so darn awkward now.

+ + +

Last night i was having dinner with some friends and they were talking about life like it was nothing. I can't help but feel envious on how easy it is for them to just take things like so. I recall thinking that way when i was a student, when i was just studying and making big dreams on what to do, where to go and not really caring about where my money will come from, or how i can survive. Working in the real world makes you jaded they say, and i guess i'm a living proof of that. Perhaps being "independent" makes you that way too. I feel so awkward that i am sitting amidst these idealistic people who know what to do with their lives and are so easy going about it while i am racked with the fear that my life may be dwindling away. I try to be more upbeat about it, but somehow i can't.

+ + +

With this massive indecision in me i feel small. I guess i'm writing this down to purge this emotion out from me, that hopefully once i read this i waill realize just how stupid i'm getting over something so... incoherent. :-(

+ + +

*sigh* I shouldn't complain. There are a lot more people who suffer from things worse than what i'm experiencing. I know that. Then why do i feel like crying now? :-(


LemonCloud said...

Letta, sorry to know that you felting like this. I can’t do much but offers words of encouragement and comfort. Hope everything will be fine for you in the year to come.
The part about being jaded once you started working apply to me too. I’m trying hard not to but it is difficult.

wanderlust junkie said...

thanks gurl. i'm coping up with it, just having some bad days sometimes. Hope work doesn't get to you! :-)

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